Mommy please don't label me!

Help!

I have a teenager in the house now.

When he was two, everyone used to say - Don’t worry it will get better.

NOT TRUE...

It has been a challenge. As much as I want to scream and break dishes sometimes, I am trying to look at myself as a parent and review a thing or two.

Hey, at least I am trying, I am not giving up!

Positive parenting does not come easy, since the society dictates and floods the world with labels - bossy, shy, loud, stubborn, etc.

On top of that the society provides praises for praises’ sake - good job, perfect, well done.

Finally, the expectations are somewhat artificial and fake - say “thank you”, “bad girl”, “naughty boy”.

What to do with all these compartmental phrases.

Perhaps I could dig deeper and see how rephrasing these stereotypes and reshaping them could help me address my child in an individual manner and not as a “common core”.

Labeling a child is reductive. It is a one-dimensional, simplistic view that may prevent you from seeing other aspects of your child's personality.

Let’s unlabel :

Bossy - Leader, takes initiative

Demanding - Decisive, knows what she wants

Possessive - Good stewardship

Argumentative - Good negotiator, logical reasoner

Loud - Bubbly, energetic, full of life

Nosy - Curious, logical reasoner

Stubborn, whiny - Persistent

Aloof, Self-centered - Independent

Aggressive - Stands up for her beliefs

Nit-picky - Meticulous, knows what she wants

Say “sorry” phrase is mostly used for a parent to feel like he or she is doing a great job parenting. Many times children cannot even process the situation and the word is forced and meaningless.

I would rather my child ask the other person if he or she is ok. I would talk about feelings if there is time and place and natural consequences, like what could happen if you push someone, how would that make them feel, what would happen if he or she falls and gets hurt. All these feelings might be more thought through and meaningful rather than forced “sorry".

Very similar labels -”say please” , “give her a hug”. These attempts at socialization fail because they are done publicly and through coercion. It’s a manipulation and power play.

Labels like “great job”, “well done” I tend to use myself, I guess it is NOT that bad, however I try hard not to overuse, as in nature, the same in parenting and any other aspect of life, there needs to be balance.

"Good job" and variations such as "great job," "you’re doing so well" and "you’re making mommy proud." These are not harmful in small doses but are overused today. The child ends up with a feeling of always being judged. These are veiled manipulations that turn children into people-pleasers seeking external validation.

If every time they read a book, or put on a coat, they receive this affirmation, then the actions become transactional trades. This suppresses their intrinsic motivation for accomplishing these activities and distorts their behavior. If no one is here to praise me, why should I do something, they rationalize? It sets children up for a lifetime of seeking approval from parents, bosses, and coworkers. The result is that their happiness is determined by external influences beyond their control.

Instead, be specific about the activity and fall back on description. For example, "I see you already have your coat on and are ready to go.”

However, calling a child “shy” is a big one for me especially as a teacher. My child has never been, but I often hear many parents and other people call their children shy. It is a big NO,NO for me.

I try suggesting addressing a child -”observant” or “introvert”.

Calling your child shy suggests she has a fixed trait that cannot be modulated. This might prevent her from learning positive strategies that would be helpful, such as giving her a supportive person to bolster her self-image, which in turn would ease her socialization.

My very example of such a situation was last week during music class. Children were sitting in a circle passing an instrument and singing SOLO. As a girl was passing the instrument to a friend next to her, she quickly stated -”he is shy, he will not sing, he will not play”, shortly after a teacher chimed in nodding and whispering ‘He is very shy”. It seemed as the boy failed even before giving it a try.

I looked at the boy and watched him pass the instrument to the next person without even trying to play nor sing. I had to intervene and with a big smile announced immediately- You love the gong! I turned to other students and the teacher saying - I think he would still like to have a turn. With that, I quickly passed the gong to the boy without giving him any time to think and then....

BOING sounded the gong. Big success!!! The boy smiled with confidence and we all cheered!

Shortly after I added if he would like all of us to sing together, to which he nodded his head and we all sang together.

I gave him an opportunity, a word like ‘shy’ would deprived him of that opportunity.

In the meantime, we are working things together with a moody teenager at my house. I pray that one day the anger and the phrases like - You're the worst parents ever, I hate my life will fade away. We try to unlabel and change the stereotypes while addressing each other.

Parenting is hard, but let's face it, we are in it for good and for ill!